‘Our friends always yearned for a relationship like ours’: My husband of 16 years ran off with another man. I don’t want them to live in our properties. What can I do?

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Dear Quentin,

It’s a long story wrapped up in a complicated stupid mess.

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Me and my husband lived together for 16 years. We are now in our early 40s. The relationship was so beautiful that we were the envy of our straight and gay friends. Our friends always yearned for a relationship like ours, or so they told us.

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We both worked very hard over the course of 16 years, and we have amassed wealth in both the US and Mexico. Together, our combined annual income — both working a full-time day job and operating a small cleaning business — was over $300,000.

At the end of February 2021, he read some messages on my phone and turned back. He says that he felt cheated and the thought of me being unfaithful cannot leave his mind. He said he believed I was not unfaithful. But I have not been treacherous.

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He said he needed some time to clear his mind and went to stay for a few days at one of our houses in Mexico. The first weekend he was there, I joined him, and we had a wonderful time as always.

One of our good friends of over 10 years introduced us to a little guy he was dating. Within less than a week of living in Mexico, she decided to completely change her mind on everything, and she decided to have a relationship with this young boy.

main contributor

Financially speaking, I have always been the main contributor. Alone, I make about $100,000. His day job brings in $65,000. The business I’ve chosen not to take part in now brings in less than half what it used to be.

I told him that since he had decided to move in with someone else, he would not be staying at our Mexico home. Since I work from home, I go back and forth between my Arizona and Mexico homes – two weeks here and two weeks there.

I bought our Arizona home with cash when the housing market crashed. It was one of the best decisions we made during our relationship. It has allowed us to make our property, mortgage/rent free from last 10 years and it has given us financial stability.

He has created all kinds of manipulated lies about “how bad” our relationship is in order to justify his actions and decisions. The first time we were able to talk in person, I confronted him over all the stupid nonsense he had made up.

Every time we see each other, it’s as if nothing has happened. We hug, kiss and talk as if we were still in a relationship. He says that he loves me. He says he misses me, our relationship, our home and I am the love of his life. I know that I still love him.

He says he doesn’t want to divorce me. We have been like this for almost a year. I know I need to move on and just forget about him. The problem is that I really love him. If I don’t contact him, he is the one who initiates contact with me.

what do you recommend?

Feeling cheated but still in love

Dear Betrayal, But Still…

Words and feelings count, of course they do. But love is an action.

Everything being the same does not mean that everything is the same. Some couples – gay or straight – have open relationships or a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement. It doesn’t sound like you’re comfortable being one of them.

Your perception of what is real and normal and healthy, along with your boundaries, is messed up. “Textgate,” whether your husband realizes it or not, seemed like a lot of digital gaslighting—an excuse to chase other men.

I can’t ask you to stay together or be apart. Only you can decide this. But I know this: Using your assets to disrupt each other’s lives will only delay your reconciliation or prolong your separation and eventual divorce.

it’s time to find out What makes you happy No who makes you happy But what kind of relationship and person and behavior makes you happy. Maybe you can get over it, but it can’t be on someone else’s terms.

Assuming you live in Arizona, a community property state, everything you acquired during your marriage is community property. There are some exceptions such as inheritance, or property acquired after a legal separation.

divorce in arizona

According to Mushcutel, Robbins & Baker, a law firm based in Sun City, Ariz., “an equal division does not always mean an equal division.” “There is no statute in Arizona that sets out a list of factors a judge must consider when the judge makes a distribution of community property.”

“While some general rules apply, the judge has broad discretion. For example, a judge may order the property to be sold or sold, and order the proceeds to be distributed equally or according to a separate division. can also give.” Heather Baker-Mushkatel writes,

“A judge can also order the property to be distributed ‘in kind’,” she adds. “For example, one spouse gets a red car, while the other spouse gets a blue car. A judge may consider one spouse to have pecuniary misconduct when the judge decides that the distribution of assets How to do that.”

When dividing property, an extramarital affair may also be taken into account, as well as gambling, a partner’s indebtedness and/or substance abuse. But there’s no denying the fact that it will take a toll on your assets and net worth.

In other words, the judge will see what is fair, not necessarily what equals. I don’t know what’s best for you personally, but I hope you make the decision that’s right for you, makes you happy longer, and restores your happiness and peace of mind.

IYou You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to the coronavirus at [email protected], and follow Quentin Fotrell Twitter.

check out The Maniast Private Facebook Group, where we seek answers to life’s most thorny money issues. Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you’d like to learn more about, or peruse the latest Manifest column.

Dhani is sorry that he cannot answer the questions personally.

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